Finish your homework, or you will get a diary remark tomorrow!
Finish your food, beta.
You must apply sunscreen before stepping out.
We, the Indian parents, are literally occupied with our kids. From birth to adulthood, we (try to) advise them on every possible aspect. And in the middle of all this, there are numerous parenting styles.
FAFO Parenting is one such parenting style in the buzz. FAFO Parenting stands for Find Out Figure Out / F**k around and Find out. It is a type of parenting style where parents let their kids experience life choices and learn from their natural outcomes.
But is FAFO Parenting good for Indian kids? Let’s explore whether this works for Indian kids, including the pros and cons, and how to balance it within the Indian joint family structure.
Table of Contents
What Is FAFO Parenting Style?
The term FAFO has no literal meaning. It comes from the African American Vernacular English (AAVE). In fact, the American Dialect Society announced FAFO as the acronym of the year 2023. Find Out Figure Out/ F**k around and Find out/ Figure it out for yourself.
In this type of parenting style, parents refrain from micro-managing their kids. This helps kids learn from their experiences and adapt to them. Of course, safety is there like a seatbelt.
FAFO Parenting is a bridge between strict and gentle parenting. It takes the empathy of gentle parenting and the structure of strict parenting, then adds natural consequences to it.
FAFO, as a meme, gained attention recently, but it is not new to Indian parenting styles. We have experienced it either as a child or a parent.
As a millennial, I have photographs of me wearing sweaters over wedding outfits. (Mumma’s right, I can catch a cold!)
Back then, fashion and vibe were far behind immediate consequences.
HA HA!
Why is FAFO Parenting gaining momentum?
FAFO Parenting is gaining momentum not only in India but across the world.
- Two-way approach: For parents, Fafo helps to ease the burden of managing their kids all the time. Kids too learn to do things by themselves.
- Social-media hype: FAFO is trending on most social media sites with real-world experiences. This has inspired many more parents to adapt or at least give it a try.
- Old content, new packaging: We all have experienced this in our childhood. FAFO is a modified version. So it is relatable.
- Cultural Links: Old Indian proverbs like Jab jaago tab savera, etc, have similar teachings. Even the Bible has quotes like As you sow, so shall you reap.
FAFO Parenting Is Not Fit For All Kids
FAFO Parenting is not the perfect parenting style for all kids.
In fact, there is no perfect parenting style at all. This is because every child is different. What makes a child happy can make the other upset. What encourages a child can overwhelm the other.
You should not adapt to FAFO Parenting if your child is:
- Too young to understand what natural consequences are.
- Has anxiety disorder.
- Suffers from ADHD
- Has a trauma History
Why FAFO Feels So ‘Desi’
FAFO exploded on social media, and we Indians immediately connected with it. The core principle of FAFO (learning from natural consequences) is present in our culture. Here are a few proverbs that we have grown up listening to:
- Jaisi karni waisi bharni.
- Ab pachtaye hot kya jab chidiya chug gayi khet.
- Jab jaago tab savera.
- Der aayi durusth aayi.
……And many more.
Even the Bible quotes, “As you sow, so shall you reap.”
There are innumerable examples of FAFO-like culture in our society. It is only now that we have complicated things.
Do you spot the difference in how you take care of your child vs how your parents handle them? Safety is, of course, the priority, but things seem so easy when our elders take charge.
My child has been washing her hands every time before and after a meal since her granny has arrived.
No more nagging her to wash her hands.
For me, it is a huge relief.
When I asked my little one to unfold the magic, Naanima (grandmother) got all the credit! My mom moulded a story around the proverb Der aayi durusth aayi (delayed, but corrected) just once.
Let me also tell you that my mom has no idea of the term FAFO. I remember how she used to teach us the same way. If we did not listen, we were neither scolded nor beaten up. Either we learnt from our mistakes or came up to Mumma to know what’s wrong and how to fix it!
Pros & Cons of FAFO Parenting
| Pros of FAFO Parenting | Cons of FAFO Parenting |
|---|---|
| Teaches real-world accountability | Can confuse young children who can’t reason about consequences |
| Encourages independence and decision-making | Risk of neglect. Should be monitored. |
| Reduced parental nagging and micromanagement. | Can backfire without emotional support |
| Builds resilience through safe failures | May cause anxiety in sensitive kids |
FAFO Parenting in the Indian Joint Family
As per TOI, around 16% of Indian families live in a Joint family structure. With two or three generations living under the same roof, there can be a variety of opinions on the same subject.
FAFO Parenting challenges in Joint Family
- Conflicting Parenting Philosophies might confuse the child.
- A child can take advantage of any inconsistency in the rules.
- There can be a dilution of authority.
- Elders can consider FAFO not unnecessary and overburdening.
- Debate on providing supervision vs calculated risks.
How to Practise Balanced FAFO Parenting in Indian Homes
You can practise a balanced FAFO Parenting in an Indian joint family. Discuss FAFO among other family members before adopting, or it will be a total failure.
My daughter had more screentime whenever she visited her grandparents. She used to approach them separately for this. It went on for about a week, when I thought it was high time I intervened. I declared a no-screentime rule at Dadaji’s place. There was my girl yelling and crying for two hours straight. My in-laws even told me I was being too strict.
Although I was successful in my attempt, the execution was a total flop. None of my in-laws understood why I took this step. I should have discussed it wit them beforehand. It’s important to discuss before adopting FAFO Parenting in a joint family.
Step-by-Step FAFO Process: An example to help your child adopt self-eating meals
- Explain expectations: It’s a good habit to eat by yourself. Mumma will not be there at school to help you out.
- Safe natural consequences: Otherwise, you will feel hungry at school.
- Provide emotional support: (Did not eat tiffin at school ). I asked you to practise eating your meals from home. Do not worry. It is okay.
- Reflect together: Let us give it a try today. Here’s your lunch.
Importance of emotional connection and safety
Emotional connection is the breakeven point that makes FAFO Parenting unique. It separates FAFO from coldness or total neglect. Kids cannot learn from natural consequences if they do not feel secure/attached.
Safety is the top priority in FAFO. Natural consequences should not go beyond any physical/mental risk, shame or fear.
Children develop emotions as they grow, and it is a lifelong process. Adverse Childhood Disease (ACEs) can have lifelong mental health issues in kids up to age 3.
FAFO Parenting in the Indian Joint Family: Involving Elders
FAFO in a joint family will work only when everyone has clarity about it. Elders must feel included and respected. Here’s how you can negotiate FAFO within your joint family:
- Start with shared goals: Who wouldn’t love a responsible child? Tell them how FAFO can instil responsibility in their little one.
- Explain them in simple language: Ditch all that fluff that you learnt from digital media about FAFO. Explain FAFO in non-jargon language.
- Discuss why FAFO matters today: Emphasise that FAFO is about preparing children for a fast, complex world while keeping family values intact.
- Link FAFO to their wisdom: Explain to them how their old proverbs align with FAFO.
- Share FAFO success stories: How adopting FAFO made kids responsible.
- Proof from credible sources: Show them articles from print & digital media that talk about FAFO Parenting.
- Help them adopt FAFO: Ask them where they can help in the format.
Conclusion
FAFO Parenting has been a part our Indian culture and society. It is only the terminology that has gained momentum. It makes the children ready for this complex world. For the Indian Joint Family, FAFO can be a success when all the members are on the same page.
Ready to try?
Start small this week: Pick one habit (lunchbox packing, handwashing, bedtime). Follow the 4-step process, stay empathetic, and watch the magic.
FAQs
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When can I try FAFO Parenting?
You can try FAFO Parenting in everyday situations with low-risks. Skip this for young kids, since they cannot understand cause and effect. Begin with scenarioes when your child doesnot want to wear a jacket, not finishes his lunch and alike.
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Should FAFO Parenting be too harsh for kids?
No. Natural consequences should be under the safe limit with empathy. Speak to them in a warm and cool tone. Support them emotionally when they hit natural consequences.
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Can FAFO strain relationship with my child?
Make sure to not overuse FAFO, in unsafe situations, and with sarcasm. This can strain parent-child relationship. Even worse, your child can adopt to lying.
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When to stop applying FAFO?
Stop FAFO if you sense it hurts your child physically, emotionally or mentally. Avoid if you spot them lying for petty things.
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